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Day 4: "You'll Love Me When I'm Gone"

For the next 21 days, I'm gonna get yall ready for "Amygdala" by telling little anecdotes about each track on the album, so you can learn about everything that went into each song. Yesterday, we did the slammer "Ten Sumthin'" (featuring The Black Rhino) - and today we're doing Track #4: the first solo song on the album by Brainwash without a feature, a super deep and personal song: "You'll Love Me When I'm Gone".

"You'll Love Me When I'm Gone" is a deep and kinda ominous track I wrote about feeling like a lot of the people closest to me, as well as those I barely know even, all never really seem to ever fully appreciate me the way I think they will after I'm gone.

I've seen way too many loved ones pass and stand there at the funerals watching some act out showing their grief in dramatic fashion - when I know for a fact that when the passed person was around, that person never showed the kind of love to them that they're showing now that they're gone. I don't understand it - it's like with celebrities too - they only ever get the appreciation & respect they deserve when they're gone. Fuck that - if you love me - LET ME KNOW NOW. Don't wait until I'm gone to hope I can hear you from wherever my soul goes to - express it now and let me know. Because there are some days when I honestly have no clue if the love I show is even felt back or not - some days I feel totally isolated.

The song has that kinda morbid and depressing tone throughout but is some real shit. I took a couple little snippets from 2pac's "I Aint Mad Atcha" for the 2nd & 3rd chorus parts, where he says "Don't shed a tear, 'cause Momma I aint happy here... I blew trial, no more smiles ... "

Some have mistaken this song as a suicide note and although I've had my thoughts in the past, I have no plans to off myself. It runs through my mind every day though and probably always will - but actually being selfish enough to go through with it, I don't think I will ever be able to. So don't worry - just enjoy the track.

- Brainwash '18

*** Lyrics ***

Verse 1

I remember being down & out in San Joaquin

County Jail... in "JKL" - readin' magazines

never made it long before I got rolled back

to The Hole, to The Pods, to "The Ghetto" ... 'cause I'm no rat

never seen P.C.... 'cause I don't need that

somebody wanna see me? they catchin' feedback

ever since I started rappin' , people started hatin'

I swear they threw party when I got incarcerated

but I've been home now for more than 15

and I don't plan on goin' back... I'm keepin' shit clean

the little bit of dirt I might do, I keep it quietly

I had to fight thru and I don't take my freedom lightly

I've wasted time... 13 months & 20 days

wish I could escape my mind... I've changed in many ways

not all for the better, but whatever, so it be

I'm usin' it as a fuel - music & poetry

flows thru my veins... so I just spill it out

expressions of pain... and how I feel about

the current state of affairs... man, don't get me started

why bother? No one cares 'til you're dearly departed


I don't wanna waste any more time here

I'm not depressed... man, finally my mind's clear

I've lost so much... now as I sit all alone

I see you'll never really love me until I'm gone

(You'll love me when I'm gone)

Verse 2

I remember when my heart & wallet both broke

a confused alcoholic... with my nose coked

I had it all... and slowly I began

my downfall... as I went down, my homies ran

aint that a bitch? When I was ballin' , I had company

couldn't help fallin' for the trappings of luxury

but as I fell, no one was there to help me up

surrounded by nothin' but a bunch of selfish punks

left to burn... but enough about them bitches

a hard lesson to learn... now I'm suspicious

can count how many real ones I got on one hand

I'm done takin' the fall for yall like a stunt man

several years passed, and now many friends buried

I could have a family reunion at the cemetery

there's just one thing that's always seemed odd

family of loved ones screamin' to God

about how sad they are & how much they love & miss

whoever passed & that they only wish

they had another day with 'em... to me, it's crystal clear

no one notices you're here 'til you disappear


Verse 3

I remember when I thought life had purpose

back before I grew up in this mad circus

Momma told me I could be whatever that I wanted

if I just fight... so that night I hit the ground runnin'

I had a mission, it was clear & I thought I'd get it

never once considered it was unrealistic

I just couldn't see... needed a fortune cookie

someone to tell me life is just a horror movie

and in the end, the good guy never wins

then maybe I woulda been prepared ever since

to realize & accept the cold truth

that someday I'd be sleepin' in a phone booth

all I know is sometimes I feel invisible

it seems ridiculous but at least when I was criminal

people paid attention now I'm just dismissed

the only time I'll be thought of is when I'm reminisced

so when I put a gun in my mouth & pull the trigger

whoever finds me, just toss my body in the river

and be done with me... wipe yours hands clean

trust me, I'm not worth the water in your canteen


- Amygdala 04/30/18